Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
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Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you