*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.