“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?