You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.