I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot