[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.