Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m an avid indoorsman.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal