My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.