Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
All excellent questions
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I bet birds love this building.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.