I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
😂😂😂
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.