Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You Might Also Like
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I found your tweet-up…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Bringing home a sharpie
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”