it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive