i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience