I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
He wanted to make sure😂
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?