Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now