Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Why font matters.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.