It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me too, bag. Me too….
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart