First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.