Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You Might Also Like
Cashiers are always checking me out
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
im all 3
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine