My dryer is celebrating lint.
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
that’s really how it is
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”