Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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who wore it better?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂