I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Tuesday
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
See..?
.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
💁🏻♂️
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.