If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time