My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room