My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.