Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.