When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
This will never not be funny 😭
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.