If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.