Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The best plant holders?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This is Sparta
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.