me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma