[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Bringing home a sharpie
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop