“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds