My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
You Might Also Like
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
This is my emotional support knife.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: