Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
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ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.