My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
choose your fighter
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.