Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Chicken bread
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”