“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.