Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
You Might Also Like
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
it be like that
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.