I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?