Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Bring back the McRib
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway