My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti