Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’