[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star