We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)