Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
You Might Also Like
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking