So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
mumsnet is amazing
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel