Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.