I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.