me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
What?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word