I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?